


The Pussit Queen

by astrokath



Category: The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Art, Crack, Embedded Images, Fic from the NINETEEN-EIGHTIES!, Forgive Me, Gen, I was seven years old, Illustrations, Mary Sue, Metafiction, My First Fanfic, Oh the shame, unfortunate linguistic coincidences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-03
Updated: 2014-10-03
Packaged: 2018-02-19 17:23:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2396573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrokath/pseuds/astrokath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is my first ever fanfic, written and illustrated in nineteen-eighty-(mumble), back when I was seven. </p><p>And it's awful.  Awful in the most shamefully funny way, full of cracktacular randomness and the best damn map EVAH.</p><p>Enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

[ ](http://s541.photobucket.com/user/kjinskip/media/10689578_10152391087071027_2649624112700692796_n.jpg.html)

 

_Once upon a time a long time ago there lived a cat. She was called Jane. She lived in a beautiful country called pussit field._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you guess what my middle name is? Can you?
> 
> ...
> 
> I TOTALLY BET YOU DIDN'T THINK IT WAS JANE!
> 
> Also, apparently 'pussit' is Finnish for 'scrotum'. I only learned this last night, but it warms the cockles of my heart! Most especially, because Tolkien himself had an excellent command of Finnish and would surely have had a good, long laugh at a self-insert character being called a 'scrotum-queen'.
> 
> Actually, how closely related *are* the various Elvish languages to Finnish? Any Quenya/Sindarin scholars want to wade in and say whether this particular name is even *more* unfortunate in-story than out of it?


	2. Chapter 2

[ ](http://s541.photobucket.com/user/kjinskip/media/1621943_10152391088466027_5850914983993569556_n.jpg.html)

_One day Jane went to a pet show and won first prize for being the most beautiful the most clever and the most wise cat._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prizes were awarded by the Department of Redundancy Department's Excellence Awards committee for the Awarding of Prizes for Excellence.
> 
> And Wisdom.


	3. Chapter 3

[ ](http://s541.photobucket.com/user/kjinskip/media/1977227_10152391088836027_4706799109687739611_n.jpg.html)

_The next day Jane went to her favourite clif for a walk. Suddenly Jane saw 2 volcanos so she tock her boat_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you do.
> 
> Boats work *great* on lava!


	4. Chapter 4

[ ](http://s541.photobucket.com/user/kjinskip/media/10395858_10152391089096027_6895609072437396160_n.jpg.html)

_and took the people to her spare house to live_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spare houses.
> 
> Spare. Houses.
> 
>  
> 
> ...
> 
>  
> 
> I have *no* words.


	5. Chapter 5

[ ](http://s541.photobucket.com/user/kjinskip/media/10626634_10152391089496027_3315482431791091533_n.jpg.html)

_Soon Jane had a hole village of houses that she called pussy close._

_One day a hobbit came._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Volcanoes, people, spare houses, rebuilding a community, yeah this is a fun story about a weird cat communi-
> 
> wha?
> 
>  
> 
> _One day a hobbit came_
> 
>  
> 
> Oh. Right.
> 
> Errm... that green rabbit thing there. Is that *really* what I think it is?
> 
> Well... I guess Tolkien did say that they chiefly wore green, right? Right?
> 
> *weeps in a corner*
> 
> Bilbo, I am so, SO sorry!


	6. Chapter 6

[ ](http://s541.photobucket.com/user/kjinskip/media/10678637_10152391090141027_7739828666293073411_n.jpg.html)

_The hobbit said would you like to come and help us find some lost treasure._ _We have only got 14 of us and 14 is an unlucky number. Would you like to come and help us find it. Jane said yes. The hobbit showed her a map whitch looked like this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cats, of course, are famed the whole world over for their usefulness on quests!
> 
> Mind you, some of this story is sounding suspiciously familiar...


	7. Chapter 7

[ ](http://s541.photobucket.com/user/kjinskip/media/10252142_10152391090366027_7264173603041713967_n.jpg.html)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :-)
> 
> Now that's a thing of beauty, that is! 
> 
> And I've been hand-drawing maps for my own imaginary lands ever since.


	8. Chapter 8

[ ](http://s541.photobucket.com/user/kjinskip/media/10653574_10152391090511027_2328408859250994355_n.jpg.html)

_They stated_ _off on the journey. They went right over the Misty montains. When they_ _past Elronds house he gave them each a ring. When they put it on they turned invisible. When they got to Beorns house he gave them some more food and-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How many chapters got condensed into three sentences there?
> 
> *sigh*
> 
> Poor goblins didn't get a look in, did they? And as for Elrond, I'm just picturing his face as Jane introduced herself as the Scrotum Queen. No wonder they all got packed off with magic rings of invisibility! Who cares about Ash Nazg Durbatuluk anyway? MAGIC RINGS FOR ALL!


	9. Chapter 9

[ ](http://s541.photobucket.com/user/kjinskip/media/1501734_10152391090706027_374009118670381594_n.jpg.html)

_-ponies. When they got to Mirkwood they found there friends so they went inside. It took them a long time to get through Mirkwood Jane started to think they were never going-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The spiders were obviously too scary to be plagiarised.


	10. Chapter 10

[ ](http://s541.photobucket.com/user/kjinskip/media/10325277_10152391091191027_4415364108643298487_n.jpg.html)

_-get through Mirkwood but they did._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hooray! Everyone survived the (literally unmentionable) perils of Mirkwood!
> 
> I *think* that's supposed to be the Lonely Mountain in the picture. (Esgaroth was also too boring for inclusion in the story.) A *very* lonely mountain, given the absence of Smaug.
> 
> *sniff*
> 
> Poor overlooked Smaug.


	11. Chapter 11

[ ](http://s541.photobucket.com/user/kjinskip/media/10641028_10152391091541027_669259769499506609_n.jpg.html)

_When they found the treasure it looked like this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooOOOOoooo! Shiny!
> 
> Actually, I'm strangely disappointed. All that way for a single measly treasure chest?


	12. Chapter 12

[ ](http://s541.photobucket.com/user/kjinskip/media/10469214_10152391091781027_1690162797771696998_n.jpg.html)

_The hobbit gave Jane the only necklace and took her home with magic._

 

_The end._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I (*cough* I mean _Jane_ *cough*) GET THE SHINY NECKLACE! YAY!
> 
> And then seven-year-old me was running out of steam, so they went home.
> 
> By _magic_.
> 
> Because.

**Author's Note:**

> I should probably note that although Jane isn't ever called 'The Pussit Queen' in this story, it is her title/role in all of the other stories in which she appears.
> 
> There are several. 
> 
>  
> 
> But no, I won't be inflicting them on the world at large any time soon.


End file.
